I saw Paddy looking directly at the solar eclipse.
"Didn't you read any of the warnings?" I said, "You could go blind looking at the sun like that!"
"I'm not that stupid," he replied, squinting. "I'm looking at the moon."
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill.
Just before morning tea Pat yelled,"Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi--Damn! There goes another one!"
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son Johnny brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit…She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?"
"No," said little Johnny............. "It's a puppy! ……….
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said “What?”
A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin.
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing waist deep in the murky water, a shotgun in her hand
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto it's back - Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.........
" SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!