An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist: “Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex.”
The confused artist said: “But you’re not wearing any of those things.” “I know,” she said. “But if I die before my husband,I’m sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
I went for a job at the Australia Post sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.
I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"
"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at Adelaide Oval and it has 200 kilometres of fibre-optic cable. It cost over $100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.
"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.
"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."
Laugh every day it keeps the wrinkles away!